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Fw: The oldest story of all

A friend on another list tossed this out today... had to pass it on :)


> From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually
> obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut
> to let it stand.
> That puts the fear of God in me:  FotR in two hours.  "Abridged"
> is a weak word to describe that result.  The three-hour version
> is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?
> Frodo:  Hi, Gandalf!
> Gandalf:  Bilbo, give him your ring.
> Bilbo:  Okay.  Bye!
> Gandalf:  See you at the pub, Frodo.
> Frodo:  Doo-de-do.
> Nazgul:  Boo!
> Frodo:  Eeeek!
> Merry:  (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
> Pippin:  (ditto) Eeeek!
> Sam:  Ha ha, can't catch us now!
> Tom Bombadil:  Hello little friends!
> Frodo:  No time for you, weirdo.
> Tom Bombadil:  (disappears)
> Saruman:  See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
>   business cards and write "Bad", and I'm all set.
> Gandalf:  I never saw /that/ coming.
> Saruman:  Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
>   and war machinery which were in plain sight.
> Gandalf:  Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
>   high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
>   prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
>   canonical dungeon deep underground.  Oh, wait.
> Frodo:  (whispering) Keep a low profile.
> Pippin:  (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
> Merry:  (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
> Strider:  Right.  Don't mention the ring.  (laughs)
>   It's okay, I'll save you.
> Pippin:  (whining) Are we there yet?
> Nazgul:  Bwa ha ha ha.  Give us the ring, little worm.
> Frodo:  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
> Sam:  Hmm, looks like swords work too.
> Strider:  Go away, bad men!
> Nazgul:  The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered
>   by this one Ranger!
> Frodo:  Wow, we're in Rivendell!
> Merry:  That was easy.
> Pippin:  Don't knock it.
> Sam:  Elves are cool!
> Elrond:  Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
> Gimli:  You can't throw them out while I'm here!
> Legolas:  Same for me!
> Elrond:  Right, all of you wankers leave now.
> Gandalf:  But I just got here.
> Boromir:  I'll just invite myself along.  No real reason.
>   Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind.  Nope.
> Strider:  Look, they fixed my sword!  (swish)  Wheeeee!
> Frodo:  Such beautiful scenery.  The green grass and leaves are so-
> [THUD]
> Pippin:  Where the hell did all this snow come from?
> Gandalf:  Don't blame me.  Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
> Gimli:  Told you we should go through the mines.
> Strider:  Let the dwarf have his way.
> Legolas:  Fine, whatever, just open the door.
> Gimli:  Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
> Boromir:  What a bunch of dicks.
> Gandalf:  Of course!  (applies C4 to the problem)  [POOF]
> Sam:  Such magic.
> Merry:  Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
> Gimli:  Boo hoo.
> Gandalf:  Twit.
> Orcs:  Oh good, we were getting hungry.  Do you have any idea
>   how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
> Boromir:  (Slash)
> Legolas:  (Pfft)
> Gimli:  (Whack)
> Orcs:  This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
> Frodo:  Ouch!
> Strider:  Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished!  Our quest has failed!
> Frodo:  Just kidding.  I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick
>   while I was standing in profile to y'all.  Pretty funny, eh?
> Balrog:  Dammit, I was sound asleep.  That really ticks me off.
> Gandalf:  We are so doomed.
> Strider:  Not if we run away!  (does so)
> Boromir:  First good idea you've had.  (follows)
> hobbits:  (already in the lead)
> Gandalf:  (trailing)  It matters not!  You cannot outrun the demon!
> Legolas:  We don't have to . . .
> Gimli:  . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
> Balrog:  Your ass is mine, wizard.  (drags Gandalf down with him)
> Strider:  Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
> Frodo:  I'm over it.
> Sam:  Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
> Legolas:  Wondrous are these woods!
> Gimli:  And full of cutthroat elves.
> Celeborn:  We were told of your coming.  Well, "warned" is more accurate.
> Galadriel:  I know you better than you know yourselves.
> Sam:  You've got nothing better to do with your time?
> Galadriel:  Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
> Frodo:  Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here?  What mirror
>   are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
> Galadriel:  But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
> Frodo:  I'm guessing you're a day trader.  Here, you take the ring.
> Galadriel:  I will not.  (hangs her head)  I lost the instructions.
> Frodo:  Great, I'm still stuck with it.
> Celeborn:  Check-out time!
> Pippin:  (singing)  Row row row your boat, gently down-
> Gimli:  Shut the hell up.  Seven hours of that is enough.
> Strider:  All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.
> Boromir:  Give me the ring.
> Frodo:  Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible,
>   it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
> Boromir:  Arrrrrgghhh!  I'm just trying to save my kingdom!
>   Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head?
>   Ah, this will do nicely.  (whack)
> Frodo:  Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous
>   place in the world.
> Sam:  Works for me.  (they leave)
> SuperOrcs:  Kill kill kill!
> Merry:  Help, help, Auntie Em!  (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
> Pippin:  Christ, look at the *size* of these guys, we're dead meat.
> Boromir:  Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and
>   we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .
>   miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all.  (dies)
> SuperOrcs:  Kill kill kill!
> Legolas:  Look at my form.  Damn, I'm good.
> Gimli:  I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
> Strider:  Looks like Frodo got away.  Well, there's no chance in hell
>   I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact
>   opposite direction.
> Legolas:  Okay.
> Gimli:  Sure.
>         THE END