[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]
Fw: The oldest story of all
A friend on another list tossed this out today... had to pass it on :)
> From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually
> obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut
> to let it stand.
> That puts the fear of God in me: FotR in two hours. "Abridged"
> is a weak word to describe that result. The three-hour version
> is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?
> THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
> Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
> Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
> Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
> Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.
> Frodo: Doo-de-do.
> Nazgul: Boo!
> Frodo: Eeeek!
> Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
> Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
> Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!
> Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
> Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
> Tom Bombadil: (disappears)
> Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
> business cards and write "Bad", and I'm all set.
> Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
> Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
> and war machinery which were in plain sight.
> Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
> high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
> prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
> canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.
> Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
> Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
> Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
> Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs)
> It's okay, I'll save you.
> Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
> Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
> Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
> Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
> Strider: Go away, bad men!
> Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered
> by this one Ranger!
> Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
> Merry: That was easy.
> Pippin: Don't knock it.
> Sam: Elves are cool!
> Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
> Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
> Legolas: Same for me!
> Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
> Gandalf: But I just got here.
> Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason.
> Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
> Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!
> Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
> Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
> Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
> Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
> Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
> Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
> Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
> Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
> Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
> Sam: Such magic.
> Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
> Gimli: Boo hoo.
> Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
> Gandalf: Twit.
> Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea
> how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
> Boromir: (Slash)
> Legolas: (Pfft)
> Gimli: (Whack)
> Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
> Frodo: Ouch!
> Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
> Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick
> while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
> Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
> Gandalf: We are so doomed.
> Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
> Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
> hobbits: (already in the lead)
> Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
> Legolas: We don't have to . . .
> Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
> Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
> Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
> Frodo: I'm over it.
> Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
> Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
> Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
> Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
> Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
> Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
> Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
> Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror
> are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
> Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
> Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
> Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
> Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
> Celeborn: Check-out time!
> Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
> Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
> Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.
> Boromir: Give me the ring.
> Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible,
> it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
> Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom!
> Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head?
> Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
> Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous
> place in the world.
> Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
> SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
> Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
> Pippin: Christ, look at the *size* of these guys, we're dead meat.
> Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and
> we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .
> miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
> SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
> Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.
> Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
> Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell
> I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact
> opposite direction.
> Legolas: Okay.
> Gimli: Sure.
> THE END