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> For those who don't have time to watch the
> presidential debate, I've prepared
> this transcript of what will be said:
> Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between
> Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.
> The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will
> ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
> question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to
> appeal to undecided women voters.
> The opponent will then have one minute to respond
> by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting
> for him. When a speaker's time has expired,
> I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
> incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
> Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
> you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and
> then tell us his or her story in a way that strains
> the bounds of common sense?
> Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
> tenderly made love the way we have so often during
> the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
> downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
> My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1
> percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to
> put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so
> they can't hurt old people like Roberta
> Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
> Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal
> organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can
> travel to these debates and personify problems for
> me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
> Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
> Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
> people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo
> opportunity exists.
> I want to empower those crying people to make their
> own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is
> not Barbara Bush.
> Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
> Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return
> to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
> pronounce his name?
> Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal
> with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first
> thing I would do about
> that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick
> would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick
> would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I
> have to make
> tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal
> with New Mexico.
> Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
> Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
> I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of
> poison gas
> in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
> that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way
> that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with
> the office of president,
> I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by
> putting it in an ironclad
> lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort
> them with simple metaphors
> Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social
> Security system?
> Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
> proposed changing the laws of
> mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without
> having it cost the federal
> treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits
> $60 trillion over
> the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs
> delivered free to their
> homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the
> child-proof cap.
> Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
> Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of
> Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide
> whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit
> funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
> Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
> Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but
> I will fight for the working
> families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a
> lusty pit of marital love for
> Tipper and me.
> Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by
> electing no one but Republicans.
> Lehrer: Good night.